Thursday, September 24, 2015


I can't believe my last blog post was in MAY. And before that... DECEMBER.
Dang. I am super slacking when it comes to sharing more than a quick quip on status-update-social-sites. .....

 Well. I crave going deeper... but have hit a sort of  "this-all-seems-a-bit-pointless" syndrome, and a case of the "I-wish-I-was-having-the-type-of-adventures-I-had-when-I-was-in-college" wistfulness.

Even as I write this, I have an undeniable urge to just delete all this and go to bed. No one wants to hear this, no one should hear this. My brain doubts should remain secret from the public. My problems aren't even big enough to warrant sharing. But I'm not going to delete this... I don't think.

Man, the brain worms (doubt and self sabotage) have been getting fat the past few months. I wonder if this is depression. I smile in public, and I mean it. Its not a mask. Or is it? See... I'm floating in a sea of pointless self questioning and uncertain wants. If I try to dig at the root of this undefinable quivering uncomfortable vibration, I feel the sting of tears on the edges of my being. And yet I even nag at myself for feeling this way - I have so much to be thankful for. I have shelter with wood floors and almost a place for everything, an art studio downtown, I have a loving partner (who'm I just celebrated being with for 8 years! We spent the day watching parody kung fu movies) I have art, I have tons of cool stuff, and I have a part time job I really like.

But.... perhaps... the things that define me, that have defined me in the past seem to have dissipated.
I do not feel as free. I traveled so much when I was in college, and it FEELS like I travel all the time now, but its all to the inside of convention centers and hotels. I never really see the PLACES I travel to. And my art... and me as an artist.... have lost purpose. I am floating in space, surrounded by pretty colors and shapes, but nothing to grasp onto, nothing seems solid.

I need an adventure - not travel for the commercial side of my art business, but I need a good soul searching adventure.

I also need to eat better sometimes, and exercise, and spend less time on the computer. And maybe collaborators and co-conspirators. I need people to tap me on the shoulder and remind me to do art, or challenge me to an art duel.
Sometimes I feel like an appreciation-operated machine - when I get good attention or when someone buys art, I get that joyful rush. But I've sorta forgotten how to generate that rush on my own.

My boat is teetering on the sea of lethergy. Help me avoid rowing into the swamps of sadness. Also, make sure I don't fall into the bog of eternal stench... that doesn't seem to be a danger at this point, but I might as well cover all my movie-quote bases. Apparently there is a Sea of Possibilities in the Never Ending Story. That could be a good place to take my boat... so long as the NOTHING isn't threatening to wipe me away.

OH DEAR. Maybe this feeling *IS* the Nothing! The 'evil' from my MOST WATCHED CHILDHOOD MOVIE is coming to haunt me! I'm at the point in my life where I have to do battle with those untouchable demons of depression, lack of interest, and drive to care.
NO WONDER my 'new' car is named Falkor. SEE???? Falkor will save me with a meaningful life ROAD TRIP, where I will encounter the princess (my inner child) and give her a new name
. AHH!!! I think I need to go read some Joseph Campbell. The hero's journey. Its time to get myself out of this dank cavern and be reborn.

See, journals really are a great thing for self dialogue and finding answers.


  1. I hope you find that adventure. Sometimes it's as simple as tossing out your phone, packing up some drawing supplies, then getting in your car and driving straight on 'til morning. By dawn you'll be somewhere new, with nothing to do but art your way out.

    1. first - i can immediately relate. thank the Earth and Sky for your eloquence; you have elucidated everything i've been going through for the past year or so.

      being an Artist, and actually Living your Bliss - Celebrating this Bohemian Life that we HAVE to Embrace, for we have NO Choice... can be... Alienating. a bit depressing. the world is tinged a bit in grey, and it really makes no sense to you because, well, dang - you're LIVING IT...

      the opposite of Depression is not Happiness.
      it's Vitality.

      this isn't me labeling you, though - i think it's something all Brightspirits go through, as a focal point of contrast. to see the haze of meh, and to Enunciate your blah feelings -

      means, like the goblin King, they hold no Power over You.

      we are all Mirrors to Each Other. i see you and i see a Vibrancy, a Unquenchable Beacon. it helps me to remember why it is i do what i do (and, for the past few months, every day has been a struggle not to just say 'fuck it' and pack up shop)...

      thank You for Being You.
      thank You for Being.

      PS: eating better does help.

      PS Pt 2, Electric Boogaloo: give me a buzz / PM if you wish to hang out. this summer has seen me introspective, and... Choosing Folks (with whom i like to spend time) with a little more, umm, "discernment."

      should that choice be mutual - face time would be lovely.

      finally: hugs.

    2. Thank you so much. Looking back, I forgot to reply to this. *__* <3 <3 Much love. Your words get me excited to keep arting

    3. And to smashedratonpress - thank you as well. Thats an excellent idea, I should totally take it up!!!